Honestly…

Who really likes to hear the truth? More specifically, who HONESTLY likes to hear an unwanted truth? No, I’m not referring to religion, at least not directly. I’m talking about the truth about something or someone.

Before deciding to compose this blog, I had just come across a Huff Post article about white parents & the hair of their biracial children. The article itself didn’t motivate me to discuss this topic but rather the anticipated comments that usually get left on any public post regarding race. It’s like these are the platforms people utilize for their prejudice & bigotry.

Then, there ARE the posts regarding religion. Anyone who knows enough about me realizes that I don’t believe in conventional religion. However, I’m not bothered by anyone sharing something that is inspired by their faith (as long as it isn’t harmful). I’m more bothered by other non-believers, specifically their insults.

For me, these two subcategories fall under bullying. I don’t care about disagreements. We were NOT created to be exactly like each other. I’m a former victim of bullying & child abuse. As a black man in America, I expect to deal with prejudice against my skin complexion. No, I do NOT ACCEPT it, but I expect it. As a spiritual being, I EXPECT ridicule from both religious groups & non-believers, but it is not acceptable.

“Just be yourself” is neither good nor bad advice. I’d rather be myself instead of someone else, but who I’ve been is not someone who is going to have a happy ending. I am always going to have issues with commitment because my existence was a mistake. To clarify, the first people I encountered in my life told me that I was a mistake. Before I made any friends, I was being mentally conditioned to not be compatible with any other human: if I couldn’t trust my own family, I wouldn’t be so trusting of others. It did take some time before the damage set in because I was still seeking the love & affection I was not getting at home as a child. By the time I became an adult, I was well on my way to a very lonely ending.

I grew up questioning everything, not because my doubts were so strong, but because I had no one to teach me anything. Throughout my whole life, so far, I’ve been left to find answers on my own. I discovered that I could not discuss with anyone whatever I learned because everyone around me was completely sure of whatever they believed to be true.

To this day, I have lost count of how many people I’ve met, became close to, then had to watch leave my life. I’ve grown tired of this. If my honesty drives people away, I’ll do myself the favor of not letting anyone else get close to me.

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Fan Fiction

These days, it can be somewhat of a challenge to encounter a couple that is truly happy in a relationship. More & more people (from what I’ve personally seen) are avoiding monogamous relationships if they are even remotely interested, but polygamy clearly doesn’t work for everyone so the number of singles seems to be increasing. One of the problems is often mentioned but simultaneously ignored, which is genuine interest in another person.

There are other factors that hinder people from wanting to settle down, but I’m more focused on what no one likes to discuss (that’s just how I roll). Looks seem to be losing the race in what attracts people to each other (again, more things I’m not talking about in this blog), so how are couples forming these days? No, that’s a legit question for me. I don’t understand, especially given that most people seem to be looking for fans instead of partners.

Yes, I do mean fans. Not even friendships are what they used to be (including the ridiculous changes from real friendships). I cannot safely assume that my experiences are the same as others, but the people I’ve encountered can’t just be treating me a certain way & not the many other people they encounter. What I mean is that people aren’t interested in each other at all but rather making others interested in them, & by make, I do mean force.

Every individual who I am around each day currently has made no effort to get to know me, yet they insist on interacting with me regularly. They have shown zero interest in who I am as a person but have not hesitated to talk about their preferred topics or coax me into engaging in activities they enjoy. They do not care if I’m not in the mood or simply don’t have the time to listen to them drone on about whatever boring shit. My time means nothing to them, but their time is the most important of all time.

Oh, you think you’re going to just keep it real with such people? If your idea involves speaking your mind & simply walking away is going to make you feel like a boss, you either haven’t paid attention to these people or you just might be one of them. Out of desperation, one guy I “told off” a few months ago returned to me because he wanted something that he couldn’t find from anyone else. Even as I was in the process of helping him which involved me making a call, he couldn’t stop his mouth from running. Unfortunately for him, I couldn’t help him. Did I at least get a “thank you” for my effort? Ha! Unless we’re now counting dirty looks as gratitude, I didn’t get shit but a dirty look as if I offended him.

One of my exes even resurfaced. Though she wasn’t looking for anything clearly particular, she still brought with her nothing but her interests to occupy my time. One of my biggest pet peeves is being talked over or having to talk over anyone. I will listen because everyone wants to feel like they’re being heard, but the people in my life tend to forget that when it comes to not them. My ex is a talker, not a listener, & she talks about the same shit ALL THE TIME.

I’d actually feel slightly guilty about saying unkind things about an ex (because it’s tasteless) if she didn’t repeat the same shit so often, & she isn’t the only person who fits this description. My neighbour is just as bad. I mean, to be interrupted just to hear the exact same complaints (at that) from earlier in the day or week or month or year is enough for me to pull off my head (since I’m already suffering from hair loss).

To this day, I am caught off guard whenever someone actually gives me their attention when I’m speaking. I’ve come to expect the inevitable interruption of a subject change due to me not talking about the interests of my unattentive audience. I’m not as nice or patient as I used to be because the disrespectful, selfish natures of surrounding people have acted like enamel erosion, slowly eating away at my once commendable characteristics. The change in my character would’ve been expected if people actually paid attention at least to what they were doing if they couldn’t see my slow decline in temperament.

This is not the dream!

HRHDana

This is not the dream.
And I can no longer be content
to clap for scraps
thrown to people who look like me.
We are deserving.
Not 3/5ths!
Whole people.
Still auditioning
For our humanity
to be recognized.
Citizens of this nation.
This is not the dream!

When people in Flint are being systematically murdered
by unclean water
laying generational curses
while politicians tell outright lies.
Convince them not to believe their own eyes.
People die.
Their babies will reap the impact
of poison
ingested
bathed in
breathed.
Purposefully poisoned
This is NOT the dream!

When griots and record keepers can’t even keep all the names straight
of innocents murdered in police “mistakes”
When the system investigates
and finds itself not guilty
time after time after time after time after time.
This is NOT fine.
This is NOT the dream!
Not why he died.

When the leading candidate for the…

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You Think You Know Me

Do you ever wish that someone, anyone would know you well enough? How many times have you said you were “fine” or “okay” when the voice inside is screaming at you to ask for help? How many times has that voice been silenced by the memories of no one caring when you actually did open up? Now you see where I’m going. If you don’t, then I shall continue.
I’m very sure that many others can think of at least 5-10 people who think they know you but have no clue of who you really are. I’m also sure that a scarce few of people have someone that does. I do have quite a few people in my life who know either side of me, the positive side & the damaged side.
Those who are around more when we’re positive don’t know when we’re lying. For years, I’d tell people that I’m a terrible liar, & it’s true. If you’ve known me long enough (like for 10 minutes minimum), you’d know when I’m not being truthful, which makes me wonder why most people believe me when I say that I’m okay. They can pick up on any other lie, but they easily take my word when I say that nothing is wrong. I could say that they do know but choose not to engage any further in order to avoid hearing about my neverending problems, but that isn’t the case. To them, “okay” is better than my normal negativity, so they take whatever they can get from me.
For a long time, I’ve longed for human companionship that would satisfy me enough. Never mind a relationship, a real friendship would be like a celebration for me. My grandmother was the only one who seemed to be able to tell when something was wrong, but even she revealed that I was only good to her when I could do for her. Otherwise, she’d ignore my real pain like everyone else.
Quite often have I been accused of trying to get attention or throwing a party. Those accusations typically lead me to lashing out & avoiding any further human interactions. In public, I’d physically distance myself from the nearest person because, to me, each individual human represents every time I was given discouraging responses to my pleas for help.
In my mind, every person alive sees me as nothing or a phony. They all see me as so unimportant that they’d walk over my dead corpse like an everyday obstacle that only serves as the slightest inconvenience. Then I remember that I’m no one special at all because everyone treats others the same until those others matter for one reason or another. That thought alone adds weight to my heart, until those others matter.
I don’t feel this way because of strangers. An unknown person who ignores me isn’t hurtful compared to a family member or someone who’s supposedly a friend.
On the internet, there is really no way for anyone to know if anything is wrong until it is mentioned because we can’t decipher a person’s mood just by looking at words typed, unless there are emojis added. Even the handful of individuals that do genuinely care have no way of knowing.
I have too many bad days to remember a lot of the good ones, & I usually turn to the internet to express my emotions since I’m alone. I don’t omit the ones who do care, but I also can’t include them because none of them are near. Even if one of those people dedicated a lot of their time just to be there for me, there would still be the issue of my adaption.
I’ve already been convinced that my existence is a mistake, & it does seem like every decision I’ve made that has affected my life was also a mistake. So for any person to spend any time telling me that I’m not such would be a waste of time. For the first 17 years of my life, I was bullied & abused by family & bigger, popular kids. I didn’t have anyone to turn to because it seemed like everyone wanted their turn at making my life hell for their enjoyment. By the time I found safe places away from people, I was already under the impression that no one was going to want me around. Discovering places hid from others only created in me an addiction to loneliness.
I may express my need for POSITIVE interactions with others, but reality has shown me time & time again that solitude is better. However, nature insists on reminding me that what seems better isn’t always. So my conflict is wanting to be alone for the rest of my life but feeling incomplete without companionship.

Aloha State

While sitting in the back of the bus, I was trying to think of who to contact about the unfair treatment I’ve received since arriving on the island of Oahu. Then I was stopped by the memory of the same treatment I’ve received in other places & felt completely helpless after.

So, I had just left this beach park I finally decided to visit after passing by so many times because of the racial tension I felt (the whole area is inhabited by white people). After boarding, I noticed this older guy in one of the front seats with legs extended so no one else could sit in the seats behind them. As the bus stopped to pick up a person in a wheelchair, the old man lifts the seats before I could switch sides since the person in the wheelchair would have to park on the side where I was sitting. I asked the old man if I can sit down. He started getting hostile, so my reaction was to match his hostility. Another younger man, with a slight smirk on his face, seemed to have spoken up to side with the older man. At that point, I decided to just go to the back. The bus driver? He didn’t feel it was enough of a reason to break up the confrontation, which made me feel completely alone on this bus full of witnesses who would agree that the angry black man was at fault.

As I sit & wait for a ride to finally end, my heart still hurts. I fight back tears from the treatment I only learned about in school that my parents & grandparents experienced. My hate for non-black grew today because of that experience. At this point in my life, I am less inclined to accept others. I absolutely REFUSE to treat others better than they treat me. The world has taught me that because of my NATURAL skin complexion I am supposed to be treated poorly but am wrong if I react. No, I am not standing for this anymore.

WWYD (WHAT WOULD YOU DO)?

Once we’re born, we start the process of the life cycle, which involves death. Humans have been convinced that death is bad. Why? What is it that makes people equate death to evil? What if everyone lived forever? Think about how humans live carelessly now & imagine the mentalities if we were immortal. Would death be so bad then?
Look at another point of view, my own. Imagine living a life consisting of a childhood full of abuse inside & out of home, a love life full of unnecessary arguments & breakups, having children you can’t be with unless the custodial parent(s) decides to let you be a parent for a few hours or a couple of days at a time, being told by those you hold closest to your heart that no one likes you because you’re too nice, being taught that the only way to heal from certain pain is to confront the source but then told to let it go when you do confront such, never being able to have your own (home, vehicle, peace) because you’d put yourself second to others for so long that you forgot how to take care of yourself, being told by different employers that you are a liability because of your health conditions that the government declares not severe enough to receive any assistance, & being in pain all day every day. That’s all I can think of for now since I have no quiet place to compose any literature since I live in a homeless shelter that costs at a minimum of $100 a month.
What adds to the frustration is that no matter how much I explain this to others, I’m still wrong to consider suicide as an option. What am I supposed to do, stay alive & suffer because others don’t want to accept the idea that death might actually be an act of mercy? So many people will say things like “death is too good for him/her” or “there are a lot of things worse than death”. One of the realest quotes I ever heard was from the show Black Lightning: “Everybody wanna go to heaven, but don’t nobody wanna die.” The fact is, everyone just fears the unknown. Well, so do I, but it can’t be any worse than what I do know.