Friends Forever…??

Last weekend was one of the worst I’ve experienced. Friday seemed to be filled with a series of unfortunate events, which deterred any motivation I might have had to leave the apartment Saturday & Sunday. Yesterday, however, just made the whole weekend fade away. I find it funny that many people hate Mondays simply because it’s the beginning of the WORK week. For me, Mondays are usually better than Fridays. Though I acknowledge the reality that I have to work in order to survive (it’s taking a lot for me not to talk about that right now), I don’t recognize this “work week” because work isn’t the central purpose of my existence. Okay, that one slipped.

Anyway, included in that series of misfortunes from Friday was me being the target of my son’s grandfather’s anger. Both of us were having a bad day, but that negative interaction just broke me. I mean, we are always calling each other family, confessing that we need each other, & so forth, yet mistakes beyond my control almost destroyed that relationship between us… ALMOST…

Yesterday, he surprised me with a phone call as I was almost home. Honestly, I was prepared to blow up on him but in my logical way. I ended up hanging out with him for 7 hours instead. Admittedly, I was not prepared to just cut him off like others because I take friendships very seriously, but my kind has decreased dramatically over the years.

What is a friendship these days, really? From my observations & a few experiences, the term itself is ambiguous if we follow the text definition & compare it to how humans treat even their “best friends”. Even I have professed “forever” only for a relationship to end within months. So why do we often say “friends forever” or “I will always love you, no matter what” but sever ties when the difficult moments occur? For that matter, what is love anyway? When we are in pleasant moods, we can make all types of commitments & feel like we’d honor such forever & always but throw our hands up in frustration when real life happens. Suddenly “forever & always” ends a lot sooner than expected, & the pride & egos of each party stand in the way of what could have possibly been “forever & always”.

Yes, I am guilty of turning away without looking back, but at least I can claim AND prove that my reasons are different (though not necessarily excusable). I’m very much the type of person who is serious about communicating. Whenever there is a problem, I have hopes of having a DISCUSSION, not an argument, about the issue. However, because of my experiences, I am reluctant to approach anyone else even if it means that a problem could be resolved. I just hate conflict, which makes my hesitation ironic. Maybe one day, I won’t be so concerned with hurting someone else’s feelings as they hurt mine for the sake of hurrying forever.

Reminders

A friend called me yesterday. (Yes, an actual friend.) After the conversation, I spent the rest of the evening  building myself back up, telling myself to focus more on me in the sense of relearning who I am. I know it was going to work out because I woke up this morning in a great mood, feeling like I was prepared to become a better person starting today. Unfortunately, I was UNINTENTIONALLY reminded of a recurrence in my life: being used. An Instagram friend tagged me in a humorous meme (though I did not find any humor due to my life experiences, I was still aware that there were no ill intentions) that depicted an image of Superman having spikes pierced through his torso & Supergirl in the background looking on in horror. The caption read “When you see her phone & she has you saved as Free Food”. Funny, I know… maybe to those who were able to “let go” of their personal experiences. Well, I’m not those.

Quite often have I talked about being told to just let go, get over, or move on from my past. (I’ve explained how that option is not in my hands, so I’m not going over that again.) Well, this blog itself is my evidence that letting go of my past will not work. As I started, I woke up in a great mood, feeling like my mind was reset. I was reminded of recent events, which led me back to events that have occurred throughout my entire life. I do find the humor in the fact that I’ve been figuratively & literally used (I should consider the alias TP), but comedy is just the other side of the coin to tragedy. Thinking about Kevin Hart’s Laugh At My Pain stand-up special, he turned tragic events in his life in to his current profession, like many other comedians. Well, I’m no comedian, but I do relate to those who have built their successes on their hard lives.  The difference between them & me is that they’ve had consistent support from loved ones. Mine stopped talking to me AFTER I ATTEMPTED TO GET OVER MY PAST.

The disadvantage I, as well has thousands or millions of others, have is that there are way too many people out there who genuinely want to remain negative just for the drama & attention. I got involved in a situation with someone who was the epitome of such people. Sure, when people like me talk about the things going wrong in our lives, we seem very similar to those other people to everyone else. However, people like me are desperate to get away from these negative lives but are too disoriented to stay focused on what is necessary to do so. While those other people want attention & drama, we just want understanding.

Student Without a Teacher

As I was about to make another depressing meme, I stopped because it was going to have a long ass caption like I’ve been leaving. This is one result of being by myself all the time, not having anyone to talk to so things build up. If that sounds familiar, it’s because my circumstances repeat without my effort. In this composition, many familiar words will be spoken because what I am told daily.

We as humans aren’t a very bright bunch. I mean, just think about it: we are the only species that ignores natural instincts but expect each other to just know human conditioning. To clarify, we are told how to live as humans by other humans who don’t even know what the hell they’re even doing. Don’t worry, I’m about to get to my point.

As a man, how am I supposed to live as a human? Yes, women can ask the same question, but (addressing the issue of double standards between genders briefly here) since so many keep saying that all men are the same, they would ask me such questions despite the fact that I tell anyone of any gender that we each have one life & someone else’s isn’t mine.  When I ask such a question, I intend to address every female who has given her personal description of what a real man is. A minor example is body sizes. Men aren’t allowed to prefer thick women over skinny women or vice versa. However, women don’t like skinny men, prefer either muscular or just big, have full beards, & either have dreads, a clean cut, or completely bald. I get it. WAY BACK IN THE DAY, men set the standards for female physical beauty, but movements & complaints changed that. Now, women dictate what’s attractive & what isn’t, & that does include men.

So where am I going with this, or is this just another complaint? For most, this is simply just another complaint, but even that addresses my issue. A real man doesn’t complain so much, right? I’m just a bitch, correct? Well, according to society’s rules, these are true, the same society that told women what beauty is defined as, the same society that convinced women that angry, abusive, & physically large, hairy men can guarantee women’s safety…? “Yeah, he hit me, but he loves me” makes absolutely no sense given the conditioning society administered to women.  Really, a woman feels more secure with a man twice or 3 times her size & beats her. Secure from whom, exactly?

Hello, I’m a skinny guy who doesn’t hide how I really feel, who’s been trying to gain weight throughout my life but have failed, & WAS NOT TAUGHT HOW TO BE THIS REAL MAN ACCORDING TO SOCIETY’S DEFINITIONS. I’ve talked a lot about my abusive father & have mentioned that I’ve tried to reconcile my past by confronting him. Well, just like most other human beings, he didn’t like hearing about the wrong shit he did, so he got upset & stopped talking to me. So I’m a bit fuzzy on society’s expectations, hell, of just being a HUMAN & not just a male. Even when it comes to honesty, “one lie makes you a liar”, “all lies are bad”, but “sometimes, lies are necessary”. *sigh*

Getting back to the main point, I cannot be the man that society depicts as a  “real man” because:

(review)

1. if I learned anything from any male figure in my life as a child, it was how to be abusive

2. I will never be big enough, fat or muscular

3. I grew up being told to be honest & that’s what I’ve tried to stick with.

And Then It Hit Me…

Everyone is going to keep living the lives they have been programmed to live. With that said, no one has the right to force me to live their expectations.

The Forever War

Usually when I talk about an ex (especially the most recent one), I make her seem like an awful person. I realized that just because she treats me like nothing doesn’t make her a bad person overall. In fact, I cannot deny that she is an expert at manipulation. Now, I know that seems like a sarcastic shot at her, but I’m being sincere. I’m always talking about the things she does to make me regret even speaking to her before we were together. Well, the fact is that it happened & more importantly, I allow her to manipulate me. So, I can’t really put all the blame on her. Granted, she would find these words highly offensive, but that’s to be expected.

Another realization I have to accept is that no matter how much I cry, complain, throw tantrums, et cetera, no one is going to “come to my rescue”. I came across a list of double standards on Cracked may recently. Well, one that is disregarded quite often is that men can be victims of women too but don’t get taken seriously because men are supposed to be tough & shit. Okay, think about this: “women are smart, men are stupid” but no one disagrees that beating a woman is just terrible. 

Wait a minute… So if women have all the brains, how can anyone expect a stupid man to challenge her without getting physical? Even with evidence proving otherwise, men are still always wrong, so how are men expected to be strong with this confusion? No, I’m not advocating woman abuse, but people keep forgetting that there are other forms of abuse after physical, or at least no one takes it seriously that there are a lot of abusive women. 

I started off with a genuine recognition of my ex, but as usual, my brain keeps connecting things as I continue to talk, which eventually leads to something not completely related to the initial topic. What can I say? Stupid man, right?

What Makes a Fool

What does it mean to you, the individual, to be used? For me, it’s really simple: to take from someone without giving. How often has someone taken from you but never gave or did anything for you?  This has been the story of my life, well, one of them at least. In the last few weeks, I was forced to relive my past in that regard.

In my last  blog, I claimed that I couldn’t be mad at my ex for reminding me of who she is, but I cannot deny how irritated I am by it all. It’s frustrating to be vilified by lies & manipulation then get the same mistreatment that led to me being vilified in the first place. Specifically, from the time we first met to the last time we saw each other, my ex has used me for her personal convenience but simultaneously made me feel guilty about talking about it. Well, as long as women can continue to make the claim that ALL men are the same, I have the right to talk about my personal experiences that prove those women to be full of shit.

I won’t even go back in time to the beginning because there’s no need. My ex is the same today as she was when we first met. Twice have I missed out on taking this test necessary to become a full-time employee of the state of West Virginia because she said she would take be but didn’t. This month, I could not refill my refrigerator because I used half of my food stamps to get my son some food (despite her always telling me that he’s “good”), & she used more for herself. Then, she tells me that she received $400 in food stamps & would take me grocery shopping (after I finished with my test). I wanted to take her & our son out when I got paid. Even though it was during 2 different days, I still took her & my son out individually. When she & our son stayed over a couple of nights recently, I was LITERALLY pushed out of my own bed & had to sleep on the floor.

What have I taken from her? Nothing, aside from her bullshit. Adding insult to injury, she & plenty of females who don’t like to hear about how possible it is for females to fuck up will say I’m wrong for “airing dirty laundry”, but this is also the same type of female who had no problem with yelling at me in crowded public areas but has a problem with me walking away from that due to her concern of what others would think of her. Many would try to chastise me by pointing out that this is the mother of my child. What does that supposed to mean? A child doesn’t change a person’s true character. She was this way before the child came, & it’s clear that she isn’t going to change. Yet, somehow, she deserves respect because she’s a mother? If that is the case, then yes, all men are the same & women who make horrible people deserve all the respect as long as they have children.

 

Fools Never Learn

Why do fools fall in love? Because we are willfully ignorant when it comes to this topic. Only in hindsight of heartbreaks & humiliation are we able to think rationally. Unfortunately by then, it’s too late. We’ve been humiliated. We’ve been used… Again… After all those times we said we wouldn’t let it happen again. How did we let it? It’s always that one person who knows they can get in & treat us however without concern of consequences.

Today, I am more upset at myself than my ex. I allowed her back into my life because I just didn’t want to be alone anymore, knowing it would be a mistake. Well, I forfeited my right to be angry with her because I knew she didn’t change & would do the same things she has before & not take the blame for anything she actually does.

So why blog about it? I still have to get it out, don’t I? It’s bad enough I allowed myself to be fooled again, but I still need someone to talk to about it. This is killing two birds with one stone: I’m venting my frustrations while simultaneously admitting my shame. To be honest, I have to give my ex credit. She’s that good, or I’m just that gullible. Maybe both? Well, as I think about it, I can’t really give her much credit because I’ve always been an easy target.  Then again, I changed a lot over the years & she was still able to fool me. Maybe I can be somebody’s side nigga, if I haven’t burned those bridges…